I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
