If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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