Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
