The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
