My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
