i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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