i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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