Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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