If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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