Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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