just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
