There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
