I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
