wanna go halves on a baby?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
