I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
