What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
