Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
