My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
