You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
