Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
