omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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