I just pynch a tree in the face
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
