i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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