So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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