Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
