You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
