Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
