Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
