I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I party with great urgency now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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