When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
