oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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