This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
