I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
