You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
