I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
