my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
