I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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