i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
