a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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