My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
