yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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