got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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