Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
