dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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