i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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