I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
