Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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