I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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