Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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