VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
