My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
