Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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