I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
