You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
