I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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