I looked at my own cervix.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
