she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
