i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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